Building Self-Confidence

I think a lot of the time, we tend to look at self-confidence as being happy with the way that we look. While I do feel like that is a part of it and being happy with our appearance is healthy and important, self-confidence encompasses so much more that gets glazed over a lot of the time. By definition, self-confidence is a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgements. That definition pretty much covers it, in my opinion, because it addresses aspects beyond the superficial or external things like appearances. Having a good sense of self-confidence is important, and it can help us in life in ways we may not even think of majority of the time.

All of that brings me to today's topic. I want to talk about my journey to building self-confidence. 

I am by no means the most confident person in the world, nor do I feel like i have it all figured out when it comes to believing in myself and being my biggest fan. I definitely have days where my self-confidence is lacking or where I feel like I'm just not measuring up. That's normal, ok. That's human nature. However, over the course of the past year or so, I have been making a conscious effort to build my self-confidence. For a long time, it never occurred to me that I wasn't really a confident person. I've never been overtly negative, but I am definitely the type to doubt whether or not I have the ability to do something well or whether or not I am good at whatever. A lot of that stems from not being taught positive self talk growing up- just not being a good personal hype-man basically. It also has a lot to do with the ever present comparison bug. I feel like people have a tendency to measure their abilities based on other people's abilities, not even with the intention of putting themselves down- just because we live in a world where everything seems to be hinged on comparisons.

With all of that being said, I wanted to share some tips and practices I've tried to implement in my own life to work on building my self-confidence. I say "tried" because it has definitely been a learning process for me, and there are times when go blank and forget all of these (like when I was trying to decide if I could deliver this message effectively)

1. Don't "should" yourself

Get out of the habit of talking about the things you "should" be doing. It is great to set goals and aspirations for yourself, but when it gets to the point where you are downplaying or disregarding the progress you've made because you feel like you should be doing better or you should be farther down the road by now, it's time to reframe your thinking. There's probably a million things that all of us could or should be doing, but the fact of the matter is, we can't do everything at once and we can't just accomplish everything overnight. Just because you haven't done it yet, doesn't mean you'll never do it. I have to tell myself that a lot because I will "should" myself until I'm blue in the face if I don't set myself straight. What we should be doing is being patient with ourselves, believing that we will get to where we want or need to be in due time. 

2. Positive Self Talk

It's time to normalize talking to ourselves, alright. You don't necessarily have to do it out loud, or you could if you want. That's your business. The point of positive self talk to give yourself some reassurance of your qualities and abilities when you need it. Positive self talk helps you reframe the way you approach situations and helps you instill the understanding that you will handle challenges to the best of your ability, while also understanding that regardless of the outcome, you did the best you could. This one is really important because for a lot of us, it's almost like second nature to be annoyed with ourselves when we don't handle something "good enough" or when something doesn't work out the way we wanted because of a decision or judgement call we made. I have to talk myself through situations like "ok this might be difficult right now, but regardless of the way it turns out, you're going to get through it and handle whatever arises as best as you can." This can apply so many areas in our lives- conflicts, school, work, etc. On a different note, positive self talk can look like just telling yourself "good job" sometimes, complimenting yourself on things you've accomplished, or even just giving yourself some recognition for making it through a tough day. We all need words of praise sometimes, and it is super beneficial to hear them from yourself- trust me.

3. Accept Compliments from Others

This one has always been tough for me. I'm the type of person who gets really weird when people compliment me, and for a while I thought it was just because I'm weird in general (which I am for sure), but I realized it was due in part to the fact that I was struggling with my self-confidence. The second I hear a compliment, my first instinct has always been to just reframe it to compliment that person instead, like I do the whole "no that's you" thing, While it is obviously completely ok to return the compliment, I think it is more important to accept and internalize what was said to you first. This isn't me saying that your level of self-confidence should be contingent upon the amount of compliments you receive, because it shouldn't be at all. However, learning to accept compliments from others has the potential to help build your self-confidence because those compliments can be eye opening in a way. If people are telling you that they like your work or that they are proud of you, being able to internalize messages like that can help positively shape the way you look at your abilities or your progress.

4. Question Your Inner Critic

This one is honestly my favorite because it works really well for me. When I have those thoughts telling me I won't be able to do something, I'm not making good progress, or whatever they may be, I just take a second stop and ask "why?" or "who says?" 99% of the time I don't have a valid answer to either of those questions because there is no reason why I should be telling myself I can't do something or that I won't be good at something. There is no reason why I should be doubting myself or downplaying my accomplishments, and there is no one whose judgement is important enough to make me feel small. I feel like this one goes hand-in-hand with positive self talk in a way because it's all about silencing whatever is holding you back or putting you down, and then you have to follow with words of positive affirmation- just reminding yourself like "look dude, there's no reason why you should be this hard on yourself because you are capable of doing this." 

Like I mentioned before, building self-confidence is an ongoing journey for me. I feel like like it's natural to have moments of self-doubt sometimes, especially when we've grown up in a society the primarily thrives on competition and comparison. The goal is to minimize the frequency of those moments of self-doubt. We should be confident in ourselves- in our talents, in our work, in our abilities, in our judgement, in our choices. I hope that someone is able to implement some of these tips and tricks in their lives to help them on their journey to building self-confidence. I also encourage everyone to share any tips they may have when it comes to boosting their self-confidence, because you never know who may need to hear it. 

Thanks for reading!