In My Skin

Of all of the ideas that pop into my head for blog posts on what seems like a never ending loop, this is the one I have always avoided. Talking about my skin has always been a sore spot for me, but being in the house for the past few months has kind of changed the way I look at it. For so many years, it has been my biggest source of insecurity, but today I want to talk about what it's like in my skin.

Like I said before, I had no intentions of getting into this topic before because it is honestly loaded with emotions, but a little inspiration from Nia (@niathelight on instagram) and her #ScarsWithAStory movement sparked something in me.

I just want to say that this is not one of those things where I talk about how my skin is transformed and I recommend all of these great products, because that is not my reality. I am still struggling with my skin on a daily basis. The difference is that now I am more focused on making sure my skin is clean and moisturized, as opposed to trying to force it to be clear and smooth. I am keeping it simple. Clear and smooth skin is not my reality at the moment, and that is ok. That isn't to say that I haven't tried all the remedies, products, and medications I could get my hands on. Trust me, I have. I have just come to learn that it's more about patience than it is about quick results.

So let's get into it.

I have hormonal acne and psoriasis, so my skin has a field day anytime it decides to act up. I have struggled with acne since the summer after fifth grade, which is going on thirteen years now. I didn't find out I had psoriasis until October of last year, bu that is a headache all on its own.  My acne started out as little breakouts on my forehead, and quickly progressed to frequent breakouts on my shoulders, chest, and back as well. As you can imagine, that was a nightmare for eleven year old me, thinking I had a crazy disease or something. I tried a lot of products, and nothing really helped. This progressed on into high school, but at that point, I started getting cystic breakouts on my chin (which I didn't know at the time was hormonal acne). I was still using crazy products to try to clear my skin and wearing makeup everyday to try to hide my skin. It was honestly a lot for me to deal with because at that point, I hated the way that I looked. If I didn't wear makeup, someone would point out my scarring. If I wore a sleeveless top or something low-cut, someone would point out my scarring or skin texture. It was just really overwhelming as a teenager, already going through a bunch of teenaged stuff by default. 

I never felt good about the way I looked because I never measured up to who or what I was being compared, or comparing myself, to. Nothing about my appearance (besides maybe the color of my skin) has ever fit what people see as the standard of beauty, and that is something that a struggled with a lot. I felt like people saw what was "wrong" with my skin before they were ever willing to try to see me, and that was hard to deal with as an adolescent. I internalized a lot of the ridicule, so much so that it fueled this disdain for the way that I looked. I was embarrassed of myself and my skin when I really had no reason to be. No one told me growing up that acne was normal. No one told me that most people deal with acne at some point in their life. No one told me that I didn't have to try to hide and cover it up. I think the way that I saw myself diminished because there wasn't any voice or any representation to reassure me that I was fine. I am so glad that there are representations in the media today of people with acne, people with scarring, people with vitiligo- because there are kids who grow up thinking that something is wrong with them just because they don't look like whatever porcelain skinned person they saw. I love that there are people willing to be vulnerable about their experiences and struggles with their skin because there is an entire world of people dealing with the same thing, and that kind of solidarity and support is important.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting clear skin. Of course, clear skin is ideal. I just think it's important not to get too wound up in nit-picking every blemish or scar you see. Acne is natural. It doesn't make your skin "bad" or ugly. I think that focusing more on healing your skin if it's irritated or moisturizing if it's dry is of much greater importance than trying to get rid of all of the flaws you see. I definitely want clear skin (who doesn't, right?), but I want healthy skin first. I don't want to go to drastic lengths with products and treatments. That's where I'm at with my skin right now- just nurturing it and letting it breathe.

I don't hate my skin anymore, but there are definitely days where I'm still very uncomfortable with it. I think it's easier to cover it up than it is to look in the mirror and say "this is my skin, and I still look good regardless." I don't wear makeup everyday anymore because it was honestly doing my skin more harm than good- I think i've worn it twice in the past two years. I've stopped using like ten different products to try to scrub my face and dry out my skin, because again, more harm than good. I still shy away from clothing that shows my scarring and hyperpigmentation, but I'm working on being more comfortable with it. It is definitely a process to unlearn having a negative view of yourself based on something you've been made to feel small for. It takes a lot of positive self talk and just working on your self-esteem to get to a place where you don't care so much about the way the world sees your skin anymore- because it's your skin and if you feel fine in it, then who cares? As annoying as it can be, I love my skin. Every scar, every flare up- they're all just a part of my process. I'm no longer focused on "fixing" the way that I look because there is nothing wrong with it. As long as I am taking care of my skin and my mind, I'll be fine with whatever.